Navigating Family Gatherings While Supporting Recovery
Navigating Family Gatherings While Supporting Recovery
Family gatherings during the holidays can be a beautiful time of connection, laughter, and shared memories. But when addiction or recovery is part of the dynamic, they can also feel overwhelming, complicated, and emotionally draining. As a mother of an addict, I’ve learned firsthand how delicate these situations can be.
One of the hardest lessons I’ve had to accept is this: I can’t make my child stay sober, just like I couldn’t stop them from drinking or using drugs in the first place. Sobriety has to come from them—it’s their journey, their decision, and their responsibility. As much as we want to shield our loved ones from the temptation or the struggle, we can’t take it on for them. And honestly, it’s not our job to.
Your Role Is Not to Fix or Control
It’s natural as a parent to want to step in and fix things, to smooth over the rough edges and make everything “okay” for everyone. But addiction—and recovery—don’t work that way. The addict has to want to be sober; they have to do the work. What we can do is support them in their journey by creating a healthy environment, but even that has its limits.
For family gatherings, this might mean acknowledging that your role is not to control their behavior or fix their struggles. You are not responsible for their choices, and trying to take that on will only lead to burnout and resentment. Instead, focus on what you can control: the tone and structure of the gathering, and how you take care of yourself and the rest of the family.
The Addict Doesn’t Have to Be at the Center
When addiction is in the picture, it’s easy for family dynamics to start revolving around the addict—what they need, how they’re feeling, whether they’re comfortable. While it’s important to be mindful of their situation, it’s equally important to remember that the holiday gathering isn’t just about them.
You don’t need to include the addict in every activity or decision. If having them participate in certain parts of the gathering feels disruptive or emotionally taxing for others, it’s okay to make adjustments. This isn’t about excluding them out of spite—it’s about balancing the needs of the entire family.
Maybe that means asking the addict to join just for dinner instead of the entire day, or setting clear boundaries about behavior and expectations. These decisions can be tough, but they’re necessary for maintaining harmony and protecting everyone’s well-being.
Consider the Needs of the Whole Family
When planning a gathering, take a step back and think about everyone’s needs—not just the addict’s. This can be a tough shift because addiction often demands so much attention. But the holidays are a time for the whole family, and it’s important that everyone feels seen, valued, and included.
Ask yourself:
What will help the family feel connected and joyful?
Are there traditions or activities that can include everyone without singling anyone out?
How can you create a space where both the addict and the rest of the family feel respected?
This might mean setting up a quiet space for those who need a break from the noise, planning activities that don’t center around alcohol, or even having a candid conversation with family members ahead of time about expectations and boundaries.
Set Boundaries and Stick to Them
Boundaries are an act of love—for yourself, for your family, and for the addict. They help you navigate gatherings without falling into enabling behaviors or creating unnecessary conflict. For example, if you decide that the gathering will be alcohol-free to support your loved one’s recovery, communicate that clearly and hold firm to it.
At the same time, boundaries might mean protecting yourself from behaviors or situations that you know will hurt you. It’s okay to say no to certain conversations or to take a step back if emotions run high.
Remember: You Matter Too
In the whirlwind of planning, managing emotions, and supporting others, it’s easy to forget about yourself. But let me remind you: you matter too. Your needs, your feelings, and your well-being are just as important as anyone else’s.
Take time to check in with yourself. Are you feeling overwhelmed? Do you need a moment to breathe? Lean on your support system, whether it’s a friend, a partner, or a counselor. You can’t pour from an empty cup, and the holidays are a marathon, not a sprint.
Focus on What You Can Control
At the end of the day, you can’t control whether your loved one stays sober or struggles with addiction during the holidays. You can’t control how they’ll respond to the gathering or how others will react to them. What you can control is how you approach the situation—with compassion, balance, and care for yourself and your family.
Navigating family gatherings while supporting recovery is no easy task, but you don’t have to do it perfectly. This holiday season, let’s focus on what matters most: creating moments of connection, honoring the needs of the whole family, and remembering that you don’t have to carry it all on your shoulders. You’re doing your best, and that’s more than enough.
