Love Has Nothing To Do With It!
Stop using love as a roadblock
"Love Has Nothing to Do With It." Today, I want to address a difficult truth that many parents of struggling adolescents have faced: the fine line between loving your child and enabling their addiction.
For years, I, like many other parents dealing with a child's addiction, believed that love meant always being there, always saying “yes.” If my son needed money, a place to stay, or help with a problem, I thought that by giving it to him, I was doing the right thing as a mother. I thought my love could save him. But after more than 15 years of dealing with addiction and mental illness, I’ve learned that love and enabling are two very different things. Saying “no” to my child doesn’t mean I don’t love him—it means I refuse to participate in a cycle that keeps him trapped in addiction. Setting boundaries isn’t about giving up; it’s about giving them a chance to change.
Understanding Enabling and the Role of Parental Love in Addiction Recovery
When we’re in the middle of a crisis, it’s easy to confuse love with enabling. For parents, this distinction can feel impossible, especially when it comes to our own children. We believe that by stepping in, by providing resources or shelter or money, we’re keeping them safe. But are we?
In reality, continuing to enable an addicted child often does more harm than good. Every time we cushion their fall, we rob them of the opportunity to experience the consequences of their choices. We might think we’re acting out of love, but what we’re really doing is keeping them stuck in the cycle of addiction. And that’s not love—it’s a form of control fueled by fear.
Why Parents Use Love as a Reason to Enable
As parents, our natural instinct is to protect our children. That’s why so many of us fall into the trap of enabling in the name of love. We think, I can’t let my child be homeless, or I can’t refuse them money—what if they hate me? But what I’ve come to understand is that these feelings are driven by our own fears, not by what’s best for our child. We’re afraid they’ll reject us, that we’ll lose them completely if we say “no.”
But by allowing these fears to dictate our actions, we create a roadblock in their recovery journey. Instead of helping them to build a better life, we’re holding them back by enabling destructive behavior. Real parental love means understanding the difference between support and enabling. It means saying, “I love you too much to help you destroy yourself.”
How Saying “No” Is an Act of Love, Not a Lack of It
Saying “no” to your child when they’re struggling with addiction is one of the hardest things you’ll ever do as a parent. But saying “no” doesn’t mean you don’t love them. In fact, it can be one of the most powerful ways to express your love.
As parents, we sometimes feel like our job is to protect them at all costs, but true protection often requires tough love. If your son or daughter asks for money and you know it will go towards drugs or alcohol, saying “no” is an act of love. If they want to come home, but you know they’re not sober or ready to follow the rules of your house, it’s okay to set that boundary. These are not acts of rejection but of compassion, giving your child the chance to face the consequences of their choices, which is essential for their growth and addiction recovery.
Dealing with Guilt as a Parent of an Addicted Child
One of the most painful parts of this process is the guilt. The thought that, as a parent, you should always be there for your child no matter what. But I’ve come to learn that being there isn’t always what they need, and that guilt can often be a barrier to setting boundaries. For years, I believed that saying “no” was a failure on my part, a lack of love. But enabling their addiction isn’t helping—it’s hurting them. It’s keeping them dependent, stuck in a vicious cycle.
I had to learn to let go of that guilt and realize that, by setting boundaries, I wasn’t failing my son. I was helping him more than I ever could by constantly bailing him out. As parents of addicted children, we need to understand that our job isn’t to make their path easy. Our job is to love them enough to let them face their struggles head-on.
Facing the Fear of Losing Them
So many of us enable out of fear—the fear of losing our children, of losing their love, of not being needed anymore. It’s a primal fear that many parents of addicts know too well. What if they hate me for saying no? What if I lose them forever?
The truth is, enabling won’t protect us from those possibilities. In fact, it may push them further away, or worse, keep them in a cycle that eventually leads to tragedy. By saying “no,” we’re not increasing the chances of losing them. We’re giving them a chance to survive, to learn, and to grow. And yes, they may pull away in anger or frustration. They may test those boundaries and challenge our love. But true love isn’t afraid to stand firm.
Redefining Parental Love in Addiction and Mental Health Recovery
Over the years, I’ve had to redefine what love looks like in my relationship with my son. I had to shift from being a rescuer to being a supporter. I had to acknowledge that by enabling him, I wasn’t helping him heal—I was holding him back. Now, love means standing by with compassion while he faces the consequences of his choices. It means believing that he has the strength to get through it and respecting him enough to let him try.
It’s been a painful journey, and I know it will continue to be. But I’ve seen that by stepping back, I’ve given him a chance to step forward. That’s the love that I want to offer—a love that empowers, not a love that enables. And if you’re listening, I want you to know that you have that same power within you. You can redefine your love, set healthy boundaries, and still be the supportive, caring parent that your child needs.
Final Thoughts
To every parent out there struggling with addiction in their family, I want you to remember this: love has nothing to do with enabling. Loving your child means letting them learn, even if it’s the hard way. It means finding the courage to say “no” and to stand by that decision, not out of anger, but out of hope. Out of hope that they will find their way to a better life.
So, the next time you’re faced with the choice to enable or to let go, ask yourself: Am I doing this out of love, or out of fear? And remember, true love is not afraid to let go. True love believes in the power of change and the possibility of recovery.
Thank you for joining me today. If you’ve found yourself in this struggle, know that you’re not alone. Together, we can redefine what it means to love, and to help our children find their way out of the darkness. Stay strong, and take it one day at a time.
